I'm surprised the Brothers Ford didn't quarantine us, but they probably don't know how to spell the word

Completely wiped out - we have been hit hard by a summer flu.

First 9 was laid low but surprisingly for only a few days, he totally could have milked it for longer.

14 was hit really hard and now that food finally stays where it belongs, I'm desperately trying to get him to eat anything to pack on some of the weight he's lost this past week.

Good thing parents are used to poo and vomit, not usually from such a large source of course, because it's amazing how fast old habits return and how efficient you immediately become ... and how adept at mouth breathing.

Also helpful? That I'm still barely sleeping so tend to wander the house at night which comes in useful when sheets need to be changed and tossed in the washing machine and backs rubbed as children are found slumped over the toilet bowl.

I have the mouth of a fisherman's wife

It's true ... but I blame the children. Mostly.

For explain to me why "14,  I want you to empty the dishwasher and clean up the living room before I get home" in loving motherly tones doesn't work. Especially when he accepts the challenge on the phone and promises me that he will spend the not even 10 minutes making sure it gets done leaving me filled with false hope?

Instead it takes me going nuclear when I get into the house finding the kitchen a mess, the dishwasher still full, wrappers and tin cans all over the kitchen and living room, paintball gun on the sofa, electric guitar on the sofa, a pile of 25 DVDs scattered all over the floor, the sofa cushions on the floor... and the boys playing x-Box.

Then my face turns red, spins around a few times and "14 GET DOWN HERE NOW AND EMPTY THE DISHWASHER AND START CLEANING UP AND WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO SCREAM AT YOU TO GET IT DONE!" comes flying out of my otherwise civilized mouth.

Oh this summer will be the end of me.

Summer Camp: Week 2

To quickly finish up last week's program, fencing camp with the cold blooded, heartless Russian instructor (according to 9, I myself loved her!), by Wednesday Jakob began to embrace the camp. By Friday, he liked it. Though Russian instructor conceded that "9 is very stubborn" they won each other over and developed mutual affection. Was he transformed? I don't think so. Can I get my money back? I don't think so.


Week 2: Lego camp.

9 LOVED it! When I picked him up at the end of each day he was happy and would even spend a few extra minutes adding wonderful touches to his giant yellow pyramid. Was he hot and sweaty by end of day? Not on your life! My nerdy little boy was in heaven. This camp would horrify the Russian fencing instructor.

Summer camp: Week 1

9 started camp this week - he's bitter.

Before summer I had 9 actively involved in choosing camps - he hated them all but some were less offensive then others so we focused on those. This week he has fencing camp. My thinking was all boys love sword fighting, it's in the neighbourhood and it's physical... perfect!

9 HATES it.

An overview of his despair:

1. He's hot, sweaty and exhausted at the end of the day (9 does not like to physically exert himself in anyway - other than his fingers while playing xbox - or be hot)
2. His instructor is Russian and has a very Eastern European approach to teaching: no warmth and fuzziness with the kids, and is determined to transform him in the 5 days he's with her
3. Se tells him repeatedly that he is not listening and she is tired of repeating herself (he feels she must think he's brain damaged because he promises me he is listening to her, he's just not looking at her) 
4. His instructor has deemed some of his snacks unhealthy (which they totally are but has husband shaking his head as he pulls the ritz bits filled with weird cheese filling back out of the lunch bag).

I knew it wasn't good when I picked 9 up the first day and she came over to talk to me, specifically to say "9 is not athletic is he, he's more intellectual." Day 2 I got the "I will transform him by the end of the week!" message.

Not that I'm complaining, I quite like her and really enjoy the directness and her accent - and if she can transform 9 by exposing him to exercise ... fantastic!

But I did over hear 9 say to husband that the only reason I put him in that camp must be because I don't love him.

Let's hope next week goes a little better - it's lego camp.

Wanted: one exorcist

I now understand why women had children in their teens and 20s a generation or two ago because I'm surprised the combination of 14's and my hormonal upheaval hasn't set the world ablaze ... yet.

14's emotional outbursts has my head spinning so fast that I feel a little like Linda Blair from the Exorcist minus the green vomit. But it's not me that needs the exorcist, oh no... it's 14 (husband may wonder about a 2-for-1 special to deal with us both but he would be wise to keep that thinking to himself).

Some samplings:

• Husband takes a quick look at 14's yearbook left on the coffee table and the words that came out of 14's mouth would make a pirate blush.
• Husband asks 14 if he's wearing cologne and the rage: face red, seething, eyes watering, storming into the house waxing poetically of acts of revenge. Made me pretty happy I was on the other side of the table.  
• Me innocently asking (from a safe distance of course) if 14 was okay and then explosions and swearing and finger pointing identifying us all as irritants.

I've taking to warning 9 that 14 is in a teenage mood and best to stay far away.

I have also taken to warning guests to come baring holy water and crucifixes ... you know, just to be safe.